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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I Think Best in the Shower

I've always considered this blog as my personal journal - though I do filter out some thoughts just because it's obviously public. But, I guess it's good to, as my friend would say, "unpeel an onion layer", at some point.

Is it possible to feel more lonely in your own home than in a different city? At first, leaving Ottawa was the toughest thing - leaving everyone behind. I cried at home during dinner before I left just thinking about. (I know.. that's a little babyish of me). People would ask me while I was in Toronto what I liked so much about Ottawa, and I would always respond back that it wasn't so much the physical place but the people that are there. But then, sometimes when I was in Toronto walking/subway-ing home at wee hours of the night, I was definitely COMPLETELY on my own without a familiar soul in sight. I knew I was alone, but I didn't feel it. Was it because the city itself filled the space? Was it because I was so tired everyday from work/more work/and household work that it numbed any feeling of it? Or was it the fact that I had an excuse to be alone since I barely knew anyone there?

At this point in time, I know there's something missing. This void that needs to be filled. It bothers me every day. When I have a moment to think, it creeps into this dark abyss. I have a friend, and they are going through the same thing - whether that may be the same kind of space or not. Though I've left it so far as a status quo that eats away at me, they, on the other the hand, have treated their void like I do with my driving - a little over the edge. (Though I do think I simply drive with finesse - quick and efficient..yet safe? haha). Anyways, I do care about them a lot, and I do feel like I partially got them into their mess - this mess that their using to replace what's really bothering them. I've tried my best to make them fess up to what issues they're having, but I find it really hard to push someone to do something unless they've come to the decision themselves.

Ever since I was young, I'd always come up with some of the best ideas when I was taking a shower. I'd also memorize speeches and school work in the shower. I also reveal my deepest feelings to myself in the shower. (I mean .. what better way to cry, when you could just have the water wash it away in another second). I ask for help in the shower. Some people find mountain tops, grass fields, oceansides, and other simplistic landscapes as a way of escaping social stimulants to be able to listen to their truest selves, but somehow, funny how, the shower does it for me. My cousins are Christians, one of my best friends is a strong Christian, and my other relatives are Buddhists. Though I haven't found where I belong in the sense of religion, I do believe there is a spiritual being... if not so much that powers this world, but someone/something to listen to my thoughts and give me strength. That way I don't need to taint my feelings by expelling them with words. I just need to get the message across in the most direct way.

Today, in the shower, I asked not for them to give me strength but to give my friend strength to overcome what's happening to them and to just put all their negative focus into the pleasures of the future. Sure, the future is unknown, but that gives us, for my sake, hope.

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